Chapter V

I wish I could install a tip jar in my house. Every time you make a joke about forcing me to take shots or eat an edible, you have to:

- tell me an interesting fact about a sport I don't know anything about (all of them)
- recommend a poem or song that's meaningful to you
- tell a different joke in between!!!!

I just need a palate cleanser. I know you're a whole entire person and not an afterschool special fixated on getting me to vomit. Give me something else to work with here.

Anyway I had a rough night with my housemates. Most people probably get a pass of about 20 times, but my landlord blew right past that. It's just one of the things bothering me, that he won't stop talking about getting me drunk (in a loosen up way not a threatening one). My emotional buffer is shot.

Still pants at blogging! Right now I am buzzing about I haven't talked publicly much about the health stuff that hit me this year. So. Some health stuff hit me this year. Symptoms started much earlier than January, but January is when I suddenly stopped being able to ignore them. That happened. Oh well.

I am starting to lose track, so here is a list of shows I am currently watching in no particular order and maybe the person I am watching it with or for:

( cut because i am just enjoying having this feature again )

Some are rewatches, and some are not. My memory is AWFUL so everything has high rewatch value.

It's not a show but ilumeen made me a playlist that I have become extremely attached to. (A link to what I'm listening to atm.) It opens with the making of a mixtape so it seemed appropriate! Actually, this is my first time watching it as a performance and I am enjoying the reaction expressions.

Relatedly (?), I really didn't except to be in cdrama hell for this long. I wonder if it's because there are, like, barely any asian people where I live and work now.

Whew, okay, I'm going to try to talk about where I've been (virtually) recently, and if I get bored partway through writing this up, I'll just post what I have instead of creating more drafts that never get posted.

While I was still RPing (NiF, go figure), I was spending some time on dreamwidth and plurk, but I don't think I'll ever really be comfortable there. Plurk, I mean. I adore dreamwidth on principle. On dreamwidth, there's this journal which is intended to be informal and kind of microbloggy and as honest as possible, and there's the writing one which is... nothing but dear creator posts, oops. Then there's my ancient imported LJ which just proves that I've always been this scattered. And, finally, like, 54 roleplaying journals, all hibernating just like me.

I do also have a discord. A few months ago (?) I created a server for just a bunch of cute friends who, at this point, have all seen NiF, so that has been very nice. It has a bit of the rowdy but comfortable chatroom atmosphere I miss, and several channels devoted to liveblogging various shows or group watches. When autumn hit, I started fading out, but staying involved is definitely something I would like to do through the winter.

I've noticed that these days, the people I stay in touch with the most (often/easily) are people I can call up on the phone in the afternoon to hang out with while one of us does the dishes and the other scrolls through social media or is driving or walking or laying in bed contemplating productivity. They're people who I trust to tell me if they're busy or not feeling conversational or to just not pick up, and also who explicit have told me at least once that they like it when I call. They also, on the whole, sometimes reach out to me too. Phones, I'm saying. Phones are where I'm at.

Obviously the big news is the blue hellsite implosion. I don't really have anything to add about that. I was there for LJ. This hurts much less. Actually, I currently find it hysterical, but that word choice is pretty deliberate. I liked melannen's predictions and analysis very much.

I've recently added three very cool fanwriters on twitter, but I'm going to do my best not to feel like I have to be more cool, since as soon as I try that I'm going to clam up and twitter is currently my preferred space for screaming into an uninterested void and then pretending that didn't happen. I also used instagram for this, but 1) it's got my face so I will never link it 2) my coworkers are my friends there so vice versa 3) it's pretty much just interesting animals I've seen around.

Did I get everything? Oh, I am running a website at work for our sustainability group which uses Wordpress, so I've been mucking around with that. If I was involved in more content creation (as opposed to............. curation??), I'd definitely want to play around on there more because it is very satisfying.

Recently. The past few days? The past few weeks? I've been getting these semi-spontaneous urges to pick a fight or to grab all my stuff and run away without telling anyone. I'm not doing either of these things because they sound dumb and inconsiderate, and I'm especially not doing them in the middle of the night while I'm in the middle of showering or brushing my teeth with work in the morning but. Those short stories from grade school make a lot more sense now.

And like. It's still vastly preferable to being an emotionless corpse with no energy, but I wish the energy didn't have to manifest as my inner middle schooler. I think I used to be low-key scared and angry all the time but it's been over 10 years and I had really enjoyed not being that.

It's also been a pretty long time since I've been in an actual physical fight, though. I used to get into it fairly often although not usually by choice. I wonder if my play friend would be willing to go down to the river with me so that we can tussle like they do in the animes? I don't wanna be the fight club dude. I wanna form bonds of friendship with my fists. Or just vanish off the face of the earth for a while.